Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Assimilating back into normal society


I DESERVE THE VERY BEST!

So, I've been out of the homeless system for over three months now. However, I have had to move twice, and I am now moving for the third time. The first time I moved, I was living with a little Bangladeshi man who was manipulating me, so I left and went back to the hostel. By the way, I'd just like to mention that it took losing my aunt for me to pluck up the courage and stamina to actually get the fuck out of there. It was the final straw for me. It really did take me losing a close relative, and that's because my confidence was knocked so low by all the people who put me down (even if it wasn't meant) while I was on the streets, in various hostels, and by staff, that I felt like all I deserved was total shit. It actually took losing a loved one, for me to realize that I was actually waiting for that to happen, for me to actually move on. It would be the only way for me to feel like I deserved a roof over my head, and that is fucked up, and I am never doing that to myself again! I deserve a roof over my head, food in my belly and loved ones by default, simply for existing. However, when you are being called a 'stupid cunt' on a daily basis and you have no one to stick up for you or tick those people off, you begin to believe it. Eventually, I decided that I was worth nothing more than a sewer rat (I was literally sleeping in the gutters anyway at that stage, so it's no surprise). I am now moving for the third time since the guy I'm living with is a neurotic piece of crap who keeps insisting I cannot walk around at night since it 'wakes him up'. I am sticking my ground, and leaving, since at 29 years old I refuse to tip toe around a place I'm paying 550 euro per month for!

My self esteem is rising again, but it's annoying that it is only doing so because I lost a relative. I wish I would have gotten out of the homeless system before it started messing up my already low self esteem!!!!