Thursday, June 22, 2017

The inner workings of a homeless girl

                                                    

I've been in this hole for a year and a half now, pathetically. I have no idea how my so-called 'loved ones' expect me to live like this for so long with no support? As I mentioned before, I have no access to any other residence apart from that dank room. I have now been technically 'homeless' for over three years, and I've had the stark realization that genuinely nobody really gives a shit about me, apart from my grandmother. She's the only one who has ever expressed genuine concern. Of course, if my grandfather could remember me, he wouldn't let me live like this for a second. And thanks to our symbiotic relationship, his presence alone would've been my cure. But that's not the reality, sadly. The reality is that I have a father who can't see anything wrong with getting an ugly fat man to kick his daughters back in and smash her face into the ground until she's crying, and a mother and extended family who have no qualms about me in this circumstance. I'd like to believe some of them care, but to be honest the fact that they haven't expressed any real concern for my well being all this time, really shows me their true colors. I've lost a lot of respect for them, that will be extremely difficult, if not entirely impossible to regain. I've had to endure punches to my head, ten nights sleeping on the streets, getting in numerous horrendous threats, waking up to a needle in my face. I have lost count of the amount of times I've seen someone stick a needle into their arm, and then fall into a heap on the bed. And my mother, sits back and doesn't reach into her pocket once. She is basically just an older more cankerous version of the bully mother she was when I was kid. As far as I'm concerned, she's never changed. She's still the same old bully, trying to manipulate and break me in every way possible if given the chance. I thought she'd ease off in my adulthood, so I started to trust her more to do the right thing. That was a massive mistake! Just as my energy to constantly stick up for myself begins to wane, she hits me with total negligence...and now look what I've had to endure, in my mid fucking twenties! If I don't blatantly scream at her, to the point where I have to give her a dig, she won't give a fuck. She'll laugh it off, sweep it under the rug, and blame me for all the bad things that has happened in my life, and takes absolutely no responsibility for me, as a parent. She's been brainwashing me with this shit since I was a kid as well. She'd always tell me that I 'loved' being beaten up, as I'd get a hug after wards. Then she'd tail that off (every time) by saying how I'd end up marrying a man who beats me. No surprises there, I did end up with such a charmer! She'd also continuously tell me that once I turn 21 she'd 'wash' her hands clean of me. According to her, raising a child and being a mother stops at 21. Her plan was always then to just 'live her own life', and let me fend for myself. What an ignorant belligerent attitude coming from a woman who lived with her own parents (with me) until the age of 41. However, she certainly stayed true to her word, blatantly dating, moving in with an now marrying, a man I have absolutely no concern for. In fact the only man she has decided to introduce to me is the only man I have ever met that I specifically told her I never want her to date. I suppose she thinks their being rebellious against me, and getting with him anyway, as if they are some kind of star crossed lovers or some shit like that? But the fact of the matter is, it is another way for her to bully me without hitting me, because yes I grew up, and learnt how to defend myself. I put a report into the police about her for child abuse. Because, everyone is a grown up child, and as far as I'm concerned, what she's putting me through now, is no different to what she did to me growing up, except it's gotten a lot more complex. I have no doubt that she is a clinical sociopath and sadist, and karma is going to bite her in the ass one day, and I'm not going to do a thing to stop it. The sad thing is that apart from my grandmother, she's the only one who acts loving towards me. She acts like she has all my best intentions at heart, and sends me text like 'I still love you, and always will'...as if I'm the one who's committed the heinous crime, by sleeping on the streets. Oh wow...a mother loves her daughter...does she want a bloody medal like? And anyway, the fact that she has to reiterate it, tells me that she clearly doesn't. Love is more what you do than what you say...that's common knowledge. And she is doing nothing but proving to me that she has very low regard for me, indeed. the minute I show weakness she pounces like a lion out of a cage. And now her sister and family have stopped speaking to me since I put in the report? I find that really weird...since they should be ignoring her if anything, on learning about the report. And not only that, but in the time since I put in the report, her deranged boyfriend proposed and married her. Again, at a time he should be running for the hills because it has been revealed that his girlfriend is a child beater, he decides to marry her. I have zero doubt that this was done by both of them to further invade my boundaries, and doubt my own intelligence. I've been seriously contemplating suicide, as I genuinely don't want to call these people 'family' any more. Because they are not, and they never will be again.