Sunday, December 25, 2016

Musings on being without a home at Christmas



So, this is the third Christmas I've spent in a homeless hostel. Now, this is not so much to do with the fact that my family have abandoned me, but more so with the fact that everyone has a barring order against me, for example; I'm not allowed visit my grandparents (it's a long story...and it has little to do with me...don't ask). So, the closest I've gotten to my two little cousins in the past three years is a phone call at Christmas. I suppose it gives them an excuse to talk to me. That is the wonderful thing about Christmas after all; people put their grudges aside and decide to be nice, just for that one day. I only wish it was kept up the remainder of the year. Love isn't restricted to one day after all. My mother booked me into a hotel for Christmas, and was planning to leave me there, eating up her money, while she spent Christmas eve and day with her boyfriend. I walked out of the hotel, and returned her gifts. That, as far as I'm concerned, is not the purpose of Christmas. Basically, it's a celebration of Jesus Christ's birth, and traditionally it's a time when family and loved ones correlate and get together, yet somewhere along the way, people like my mother think booking her daughter into a cold hotel on Christmas day, and then pissing off is 'more than enough'. Her company is all I want and need at this time of year. So, I went back to the hostel, got my free dinner, watched the TV in the empty communal area, chatted to the staff, rang my dad, and as the song goes had myself a 'merry little christmas', well, as merry as is could be.



Yes, it's a pity that I can't invite anyone into my room to spend a few hours with me, and that feeling is intensified at this time of year, I suppose, and it is that thirst for human interaction that riles you right up when muscly Pavel at reception starts flexing his biceps behind the desk. I'm not the first woman who's admitted to wanting to drag him into their room, arms flailing, to have their wicked way.

And, that's another trend I've noticed, unrelated to Christmas, being in this situation riles men and women up in all the most unmentionable ways possible. There is an undeniable trend that runs through the veins of my fellow homeless compadres (apart from heroine), and that is a high level of promiscuity. It's obvious, in many ways, why this would be the case, yet, so many people are kicked on their arses by their parents or spouses without a seconds thought given to the fact that this person is inevitably going to seek comfort in the arms of a creepy Pavel or Stefan (who'd be more than happy to fake affection in order to satisfy their need). I've been homeless for three years, and innumerous men have picked up on my feelings of isolation and desperation, and tried very hard to take advantage of that. Thankfully, I am not a stranger to using the word 'fuck off' and can put it to constructive use where necessary. However, not everyone is that strong. I know girls, who've had dozens of men since entering these places. It's a high threshold environment, and it makes for 'high threshold' girlfriends. I know a woman who, out of desperation, initiated a relationship with an ex convict from Latvia, who took advantage of her warm heart, and drained her of the little energy she had for herself. He would follow her to the social welfare office and steal her money, he also broke both of her legs and jaw at one stage, all because she gave him her time. She already struggled with alcoholism, and he came along, and just made sure to break her entirely. It's a bit like Irish college, where they're all sheep shaggers, but you're so desperate that even farmer Joe starts to look appealing. Only instead of farmers, you have zimo heads, and instead of 'specky four eyes', you have an ex convicts from Poland (with two phones held together with duct tape). I suspect that many girls are off spending their Christmas with these duds, as most people end up losing their friends once they catch wind of their situation. Most people don't want any kind of association with a homeless friend, as it brings to head what a mess this person's life is. My friend *Jen literally dropped me like a hot plate once she discovered where I was. So, it's no wonder long term homeless people find comfort in other homeless people (who are also in dire straits). It's really quite nonsensical; two stressed out and exhausted individuals, stressing each other out even further. It starts out with imposing what you need on a person, on this struggling (probable criminal), and it ends in an inevitable disappointment when you realise there is nothing to them, but pain and grief. It's almost as if you're not high on drugs, you're high on delusions.



So this brings me back to the current moment, it's 1.30am and Christmas is officially over. I spent it like any other day, but I had some peace of mind, and got a free meal from the restaurant around the corner, and a big ole hamper of clothes and food. Coming from the people who have been looking out for my welfare for the past three years, it means more to me than a cold empty hotel room that's costing my mother a bomb. I got to talk to my family, and that means a lot to me, and tomorrow I'll ring those I didn't get a chance to ring today.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

A stoner's cheap thrills

Well, it's been a while since I've updated my blog, partially because every day life here is fairly mundane, and equally as intolerable as it was the last time I reported on anything. My bed sit has felt more like a prison cell for the past year now...and that feeling only mounts with time. The floor is a highlighter shade of orange, which has a tendency to overwhelm me at the best of times. My lamp broke, so my only option is to light the Christmas lights, as the glare from the ceiling light is enough to blind the strongest of men. Since I have an eye condition, when exposed to bright lights I start seeing a lot of floaters and orbs of light in my field of vision. Therefore, the light switch remains untouched. I've also really stopped finding this whole homeless ordeal 'funny' or 'educational' in any way. It is degrading and disgusting, there are no two ways about it. It is a breeding ground for stoners and substance abusers with a chip on their shoulder, to let off steam at unsuspecting people. An 'apparently' friendly girl in here slowly but surely took a dislike to me. It started when I hogged two washing machines to do my washing, then I asked her if she had food (never ask a heavy girl for food...lesson learnt the hard way), and that was the breaking point for her. It was all down hill from then on. She very rudely called me a 'drain' to my face, exclaiming I 'drain the energy out of a room'. She didn't take too kindly to being told to 'piss off' after that, and started spreading rumors about me. Some that have made their way back to me is that I watch porn on the computer and that I cut my hair myself. She also told another resident that his face looked 'orange' to his face, and that she felt like getting a baby wipe and wiping it off for him. She claims that she just 'says it as it is'. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there are some things better left unsaid, and being rude is never necessary. I'm sure that without a shadow of a doubt her irrational and rude behaviour is down to her drug use. She's stoned all day long, and openly admits to it, then she walks into the communal area, and takes over. It's the social equivalent of giving your car keys to a monkey. Yes, she's highly functioning, but in all the worst ways possible. If the only way she can get through her life, is by intoxicating her body, than she has my pity. My mind boggles when I think of how she is passing all her exams, and working part time...while stoned. Although, in retrospect, she does function very well...she's well able to speak her mind, and work hard...but there's a trade off...and that is her sanity. She's turned into a crazy artist...well able to create wonderful things and achieve great outcomes, but from a very sad and corrupt place. I'm sick of this, and I'm sick of people like her in my life. I want out. Thank God the HAP scheme have raised the budget to 960 euro per month plus two months deposit. The rent is depressingly high in Dublin at present though, but I'm sure this will secure me somewhere...anywhere...that's not related to homelessness.